Sean Spicer Actually 3 Dogs Upright in a Trench Coat

This article was a part of my The Onion submission packet. But now that Sean Spicer was let go, it’s no longer relevant. I still think it’s funny, tough, so I thought I’d share.

SEAN SPICER ACTUALLY 3 DOGS UPRIGHT IN A TRENCH COAT
By: Jason Thomas Mayfield

WASHINGTON- The entire White House Press Corps was treated to an adorable and eye-opening surprise earlier today. When Press Secretary Sean Spicer was entering the press briefing room, his coat snagged on the door, and then tore completely off revealing that he is actually 3 dogs standing on top of each other in a trench coat and mask.

“I mean it makes sense,” said Rashida Jowalli reporter for the Boston Daily. “The stutter-stop way he moved. I mean now that I think about it Mr. Spicer never really did seam to be on balance. So the fact that he’s actually 3 dogs on their hind legs all trying to balance on each other- I mean again, it makes sense.”

Freelance photographer Andrew Maze, also witness to the less than surprising reveal, added, “And the way he answered questions, you know. To me it always sounded like, less ‘human,’ and more like someone trying to ‘sound human,’ you know?” Maze went on to add that Mr. Spiced did however seem to have a solid grasp of one-word commands like “wait” and “fetch.”

When asked if she thinks this is going to change anything, Jowalli responded with a definitive, no. “We at the White House Press Corps take our job seriously. We’re here to ask the tough questions and not back down until we get the real answers. No matter who the press secretary is, or how many legs they have.” Jowalli did go on to admit that it will be a lot harder to stay mad Spicer however, “I mean look at those scruffy adorable faces. Don’t you just want to kiss them and eat them all up?” adding finally “Who’s a good Press Secretary? Who’s a good Press Secretary?”

Banner Photo (c) CNN.com LINK

 

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Remembering New York

REMEMBERING NEW YORK
or, If All Else Fails- Error on the Side of Adventure

I moved to New York with a fiancé, a very specific plan of action for my life, and a full head of hair…

[I’ve seriously tried 5 different punchlines to that joke, but none really work. You get the idea though]

I’ve been in Los Angeles for exactly one week now, and I’m just now realizing how profound of a move this was. As someone who moves often (this marks the 7th city/state I’ve lived in since college) I’ve become very comfortable with just packing up and moving. That also means I usually don’t make deep, lasting friendships. I mostly just focus on the work that brought me to wherever I landed, and then expect to move on within a couple years.

I was in NYC for seven. That’s the longest I’ve been in any one city since graduating high school. (Even in college I spent two years at one college and two and a half at another).

All that to say I was never expecting to be impacted so much by a single city, to meet such incredible people, and despite my best effort make so many memories.

[It’s been a week and people are still texting me regularly to check up on me. I seriously had 3 people text me today, just while writing this post. I mean who does that?] 

Things I will always remember about New York:

My first NYC apartment- a tiny off the books basement studio in Astoria that I literally paid my landlord with an envelope of cash every month.

That first Christmas where I was walking around Times Sq by myself. Aimless, because the woman I had moved here with and I- we had just broken up that morning… And then that night wandering into Colin Quinn’s one-man Broadway show, Long Story Short, and after seeing it realizing that’s what I want to do with my life.

Moving to Brooklyn because Astoria had too many difficult memories.

That first Brooklyn apartment where the room was so tiny it didn’t have a closet, so I used the living room closet. Which meant every time I wanted to change I had to walk out into the living room, get my clothes, and then walk back into my room to change.

Slowly pulling myself out of depression.

Slowly building a new friend group.

That one summer where all we did was drink (I mean that’s what you do in summer anyway, but you know who you are and you know which summer in particular.)

My first tattoo.

My third tattoo.

The hurricane.

The blizzard.

The hurricane that wasn’t

The blizzard that wasn’t.

The time I didn’t go to Madrid.

The camping trips.

The apple picking trips.

The time had sex with a mime right after her America’s Got Talent audition.

The time I dated someone who lived on the upper west side and it made me feel important.

The woman I should never have dated.

The other woman I should never have dated.

The one who was no good for me.

The one who was too young for me.

The other one who was too young for me.

The other other one who was too young for me.

The one who I actually should have dated.

The one who was too good for me.

The one who was right in front of me the whole time.

Laughing.

Lots of laughing.

The backyard at House 180.

The backyard at Backyard.

Smoking.

Quitting smoking.

Picking up smoking again.

Quitting smoking again.

My sixth tattoo.

Prospect Park.

Last minute hang outs.

The strange series of last minute failures that got me into grad school- and the fact that the program I’m attending was itself a last minute find and application decision.

The first play I was cast in that I quit because I thought I was too good for it. (I wasn’t)

The podcast that failed.

The other podcast that failed.

The one-man show that never opened. (because of the hurricane)

The improv team that dissolved into nothing.

The monthly show that didn’t last.

The other monthly show that lasted even less.

The web series I never finished.

The tour that barely happened.

The web series that never happened- that turned into a live radio play that never got a run- that turned into yet another podcast that never got recorded- that turned into a pilot that was never finished.

3 boxes full of hats.

Working in 9 different restaurants.

Encouragement. From more people than I deserve.

Friends who hold each other.

And the many people who cried that I’m leaving but cheered me to go.

I am so grateful. A piece of me will always call New York home.

And I encourage each and every one of you to never settle. Always keep fighting for more.

Embrace your failures- laugh at them with an almost endearing parental pride, for they may very well be what forge the path for your greatest success.

Do what scares you.

Remember that every moment can be a story if it’s genuine.

And if all else fails error on the side of adventure.